Ten Amazing Musicals I Did Not Write Because I Was Writing ‘On Your Bike’

How do you come up with the idea for a hit musical? We all know the normal way: you go on holiday, read a biography of an American founding father, listen to a lot of rap, then take MDMAs until the two merge into one. But deprived of access to both holidays and stimulants, I instead tried starting a massive Google Doc. Together with my beloved friend Ben James, we generated some two hundred ideas, in the law-of-averages assumption that one of them must be good.

The eventual end-product was a show called ‘On Your Bike’, that’s currently playing in Edinburgh at the Fringe. It’s funky and feelgood, and critics are already calling it “full of bikes”.

But nestled away, in the depths of my Google Drive, is a sad and sorry document where all the rejected ideas loiter. They sing mournfully to one another and reflect on what might have been. In honour of those lost musicals, I am proud to present a list of ten which did not make it but remain forever in my heart.

1. Very Small Time Machine

An eccentric inventor has invented a time machine! Unfortunately it can only go forward in time by about ten seconds. It takes around ten seconds to boot up too, so its effects are quite limited. But what might we learn about ourselves when we step into the time machine? Based on a first draft, absolutely nothing, but maybe extending to two hours will open up possibilities.

2. Boudica’s Husband

You know how SiX looked at Henry the Eighth and wondered what life was like for his wives? Well, this show chooses to reclaim the sadly untold story of Boudica’s husband. He also was, surely, a man of hopes, dreams and sassy dance potential – all gloriously brought to life in this show. At last: a musical where the oft-silenced voices of men can truly be heard.

3. All’s Wall That Ends Wall

A fresh take on Shakespeare’s greatest play, but with all the characters reimagined as walls. Alternative title: Wall’s Wall That Ends Wall.

4. Cloudy With A Chance Of You Suck At Your Job

Ernie is a young weather forecaster who’s just landed his first TV job – trouble is, he just can’t get anything right. Every time he forecasts sunshine it rains; a major village picnic had to be abandoned because of his incompetence, and Mrs Smythe ruined her best socks. Ernie puts his head down and resolves to be the best weather forecaster he can possibly be. Unfortunately, he still sucks. Eventually he discovers there’s been a massive conspiracy against him to make sure he always forecasts the weather wrong. The Illuminati know society needs villains and they’ve set Ernie up to fail, to deflect attention from Capitalism, an evil new system of state-sanctioned theft they’ve devised. Devastated, Ernie tries to expose the massive conspiracy, but no-one will believe him. In the final scene he perishes in a lightning storm he did not forecast.

5. Jaws: The Musical: The Musical

A musical about people trying to make a musical of Steven Spielberg’s Jaws. Mostly just ten people running round shouting ‘BUT HOW DO WE GET THE SHARKS ON THE STAGE?’.

6. Thank You For Coming To Our Musical

An avant-garde new show that consists of 90 minutes of thanking the audience for attending the show. Favourite numbers include “Thank You For Coming To Our Musical” and “Our Musical: Thank You For Coming” as well as the heart-breaking ballad “You Are Welcome”, sung by a randomly-selected audience member, or by the stage manager on days when no audience members can be located.

7. Twist!

It’s the classic Oliver Twist story, but with a twist! The twist is: zombies. Zombies everywhere.

8. Who Let The Dogs Out?

If you love the band Baha Men, best known for their 1998 hit single “Who Let The Dogs Out?”, you’re going to love this jukebox musical based on their songs. Because Baha Men didn’t have a lot of other hits, it’s mostly just the song “Who Let The Dogs Out?” on loop, along with a vague subplot to do with some dogs. One critic at the workshop said it forced him to really re-evaluate his priorities in life, which is surely what art is for.

9. Jesus Christ Super Starlight Express

It’s your favourite biblically-themed rock musical, only everyone is on roller skates, and yes, the disciples are all trains. If you liked Jesus walking on water, imagine how much you’ll love him skating on it.

10. Asbestos Is Best!

When the famous asbestos magnate Aston Bestolli contacted us about making a musical to rehabilitate the sadly slandered reputation of asbestos, we jumped at the chance, and also at his money. Unfortunately Aston has since perished of an unspecified lung condition, but the anthemic tune “Old Fridges Are My Favourite Fridges” lives on.

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If this article somehow made you want to watch ‘On Your Bike’, you can see it at TheSpaceUK at Surgeon’s Hall Edinburgh, every day at 5:25pm until August 28^th. Tickets: https://tickets.edfringe.com/whats-on/on-your-bike.